Dating App

Most people go into dating apps with the expectation of finding a partner. I went into dating apps with the plan to die alone.

My sibling was the one who said I needed to try it. Apparently my desperate loneliness and pain was so strong it had become tangible. They helped me take my picture. A picture of me I hated from the moment I saw it. Stupid smile. One eye more squinty than the other like it does sometimes. Fake, masky smile. Shirt from my ex. Cross necklace I was not sure I deserved to wear anymore.

When I made my bio, I tried to make sure no one would ever consider dating me. I wrote “I am an asexual, which in my case means I do not want sex EVER.” Yes, “ever” in all caps.

The first people who targeted me did not read my bio. A bunch of sugar mommas who offered to pay me money to make them happy. *shudders*

The next few were people I chatted with listlessly for a few days until I scared them off by citing mental health issues.

Then there was Marie, the reason I deleted my dating apps. Not because I had given up, but because I had found what I hadn’t realized I was looking for.