Movies

Soylent Green in a Kids Movie?!

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2 | Sony Pictures Entertainment

Movie Analysis:

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2

Rating: 2 out of 10 stars

Intro

This movie is a spoiler-filled review. If you don’t already know, my reviews that include spoilers are either for phenomenal movies that deserve analysis or movies that suck and invite ridicule.

This movie is one of those that is only good for poking fun at. Just because it’s a sequel doesn’t mean it should be cut some slack. If you don’t have a decent idea, don’t make a sequel. It’s that simple.

Below is a thorough analysis of this disturbing kids movie. Where does the Soylent Green come in? Read on to find out.

Background

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 was produced by Sony Pictures Animation and released in 2013. It fits into the genres of Adventure and Comedy.

The movie stars Bill Hader, Anna Faris, Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Neil Patrick Harris, Benjamin Bratt, Terry Crews, Kristen Schaal, and James Caan.

It is the sequel to Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. In the original movie, Flynn Lockwood creates the FLDSMDFR (Flint Lockwood Diatonic Super Mutating Dynamic Food Replicator) to create food from water. When it accidentally rockets into the sky, it begins to rain food.

This goes all wrong when the new food weather gets out of control. Flint Lockwood is forced to shut down the FLDSMDFR for good. Or so he thinks…

Apparently, he failed to shut it down forever. Thus, a sequel was born.

LAST WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Analysis

The movie begins with a flashback to young Flint Lockwood. He’s a cute little kid with a head comprising almost half of his body. You can tell that’s not normal because Cal Devereaux, another kid from the same movie, has a head that is a third of his body. How does poor little Flint even stand upright?

10 Flint Lockwood ideas | flint lockwood, lockwood, flint
Cal Devereaux Voices (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) - Behind The Voice  Actors

Anyway, it flashes back to a young Flint Lockwood fawning over his childhood idol, Chester V.

Chester V is the completely not evil scientist who inspired Flint. He was not mentioned in the first movie because…I guess it was cuter for Flint to be inspired by his mom. Nah, I’m kidding. They obviously hadn’t thought up Chester V yet.

So Chester V is on television and lies about how he made his first invention as a teenager. Later on he tells Flint that his first invention was created when he was 3 years old, but let’s not be concerned about that discrepancy.

They always pronounce his name like “Vee.” That’s weird if it’s a Roman numeral, because you would say “Chester the fifth.” If it’s not a Roman numeral, that’s also weird because I cannot think of a single person I have ever heard of with a last name of only one letter. I guess it’s possible, just a little out-of-the-ordinary.

Review of the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 | by Mario Gomes |  Medium

Perhaps the most amusing part of this movie is the way the characters say FLDSMDFR, pronouncing it as if it were a normal word instead of an acronym. To hear how it is pronounced, click here.

The characters include Flynn the scientist, Sam Sparks the meteorologist and love interest, Tim the dad, Brent McHale the reformed bully, Manny the Guatemalan cameraman, Earl Devereaux the policeman, and Steve the monkey.

Flint and his friends come up with this plan for a lab. Since they are unbelievably childish, they do cutesy drawings of themselves on a paper and label it Sparkswood. The dad apparently has no drawing skills because instead of drawing himself, he just writes his name.

Then Chester V (hologram version) shows up to announce that everyone must leave the island and stay in San Franjose, California while he and his Thinkquanauts initiate clean-up on the island.

After buffering, the hologram of Chester V gives Flint an offer to work for him, which Flint declines at first because of the plans for Sparkswood. (The holograms never buffer again in the movie.) Sam Sparks convinces him to take the offer, however.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 3D Blu-ray Release Date January 28,  2014 (Blu-ray 3D + Blu-ray + DVD)

Then we get a scene where all of Flint’s friends supporting him. The shot includes some random bearded character who is apparently named Joe Towne. He’s not a friend; he’s just kind of awkwardly there.

He has no character development. He’s just an extra, a professional photobomber apparently there to add to the comedy.

Next, the Chester V hologram contacts the real Chester V. And that makes it all too obvious that the creators don’t understand how holograms work. They are supposed to be like projections, but this one is apparently sentient. In fact, none of Chester V’s holograms act like actual holograms. His most impressive achievement was probably the creation of projections with minds of their own.

The inhabitants of Swallow Falls all move temporarily to San Franjose, California, where they start new jobs and lives. Our old friend Joe Towne turns out to be the new bus driver for Live Corp. There is an awkward instance where he breaks the fourth wall, smiling directly at the camera instead of at any person.

Live Corp is giant building shaped like a lightbulb. There we meet Barb, who is an…

an orangutan with a human brain inside my ape brain…like a turducken!”

Barb

To me that seems like both animal abuse and a human rights violation. That poor innocent ape with combined brains…and where did they get the human brain?

Barb is an ape scientist with pink glittery nail polish, purple fur, purple eyes, and human-like hair. A disturbing combination, admittedly.

Flint gets a drink made of coffee with milk, and acts like the combo has literally just been invented by Live Corp. Come on Live Corp–is that the best you can do? The cup is all futuristic with its many edges, but all that’s in it is coffee with milk.

Then there is an uncomfortable moment when Steve the monkey spits out his coffee and exclaims “hot!” A woman immediately flirts with him, saying “not too bad yourself, monkey.” People flirting with animals is creepy. Period.

A running gag is that Flint’s nose keeps getting stuck in doors. It was mildly amusing the first time, but after that, it was just annoying.

Just like in the first movie, when characters type, it looks like are slapping the keyboard repeatedly and as clumsily as possible. I wish I could type like that. It would be amusing.

After traveling in a futuristic elevator, Flint is dropped off in a cubicle. He immediately submits as many of his inventions as possible.

One of them could basically be a murder machine.

Fork-And-Knife-And-Spooninator by KID-Z4P on DeviantArt

As soon as we see the flashback to when Flint tried the experiment, it shows a machine that shoves knives, forks, and spoons rapidly into his father Tim’s mouth. That thing could have killed him! It obviously had no control. If it didn’t stab him to death, than it certainly could have choked him to death.

Not too long afterwards, we get to see the vesting ceremony, where a promising scientist is chosen to be the next thinkquanaut and wear the much sought-after orange vest.

First, Chester announces that “Food Bar Version 8.0” will be available soon.

Then, in a very predictable turn-of-events, Flint is not chosen, but someone else who is also from an island, has unruly hair, and whose name happens to be Flint as well wins it instead.

And guess how he won? No, you won’t be able to. He won with a car that runs on “cute.”

Wait…what? Well, it is an animated family film, so whatever.

But then he opens the fuel tank and there is a cat in there. That is wrong on so many levels. More animal abuse.

The whole time, Chester V’s hands are moving like clockwork–without stop, flowing constantly into new positions. It’s mesmerizing.

Then Steve sets off Flint’s celebration machine, which explodes with paint and glitter and causes the whole stadium to laugh at him.

Meanwhile, Chester V is worried because two squadrons of his thinkquanauts were killed by foodimals (living food) while looking for the FLDSMDFR for nefarious purposes. They are obviously not on the island for cleanup like they said they were.

A bunch of people were actually killed by these foodimals. That’s really dark for a kids movie. Sure, they don’t show it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. (If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it…)

But Chester’s mostly worried because he’s running out of alphabet letters to name his squadrons after. He decides their only option is to find someone who is simultaneously naïve and smart. Obviously Flint. After his celebration display at the vesting ceremony, that was super apparent.

Meanwhile, Flint is miserable and faceplants into his bed. His dad and Sam apparently assumed he would get the vest even though every single invention he’s made has ended in some sort of failure or un-natural disaster. They think this even though there were hundreds of candidates who have been working at Life Corp for years, and Flint has only been working there for like, a day. So his dad and Sam present him with matching vest-themed cakes to celebrate, making it even more humiliating.

Sam tries to make Flint feel better by saying

Everyone gets humiliated on national television. It’s not a big deal.”

That’s obviously far from true, but maybe that’s what Sam likes to tell herself too, since she was humiliated on television in the first movie.

Not long after, Barb knocks on the door. The dad answers, and realizes she’s the same ape from Flint’s poster.

Flint is told that Chester V wants to see him, and they have a secret meeting back at Live Corp. His holograms are doing all sorts of things, none of which the real Chester V is doing. All of them are doing completely different things too, which makes no sense.

Chester shows him a clip of foodimals attacking a Live Corp base, and then trying to swim. He cites this as proof the foodimals will reach civilization and wreak havoc, even destroying the Statue of Liberty. Since the food weather was destructive to start with, Flint isn’t too keen with the idea of his inventions causing more trouble.

He agrees to go alone to Swallow Falls to rid the world of foodimals by using the BS-USB to shut down the FLDSMDFR. BS-USB stands for bifurcating systematic universal stop button. What were you thinking? This is a kids movie, after all.

He says he will tell no one, so of course he immediately tells all of his friends. They are all working different jobs now.

Sam, he tells first, because she is the all-important love interest. She apparently is a complete zombie if you catch her at the wrong time.

Earl next…

Earl is working as a barista at a cupcake shop. Notice he has no facial hair in this picture. He basically makes a muscle and it grows back instantly. I wish I could change my hair style whenever I wanted with no consequences. That’s a pretty cool power.

Earl’s son Cal tries to convince his dad he can come by showing off a single chest hair, which is actually just a loop of icing, but his dad catches on.

Manny is now a veterinarian, and when he is recruited he leaves behind a cow giving birth…which is disturbing.

Brent is in a chicken costume, because the creators just couldn’t let that joke go. When tossing his sign, it ends up stuck between his buttocks. Then he gets a tree to cover his shift and joins them.

Flint tries to convince his friends that they can travel through his grocery deliverator, but after Steve is thrown back out twitching, they decide against it.

Grocery deliverator | Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Wiki | Fandom

Then Flint’s dad shows up with a boat and Flint is irritated, because no one wants their dad tagging along on a secret mission. He might get hurt–or worse, get in the way!

Pretty much everyone acts like a child in this movie, with the exception of the dad and Manny, so I think having at least a couple half-responsible people on the mission would be ideal.

On the way, they sing 99 buckets of chum in the boat, which is as obnoxious as it sounds.

Then the food puns come along.

“If we all work together, this will be easy as….PIE.” Cue giant slices of pie in the water.

“Oh no, we’re TOAST.” Cue giant slices of toast.

“This is totally BANANAS.” You guessed it–giant bananas jutting out of the water like rocks.

Dear ol’ dad is left on the boat because he’s too old to help apparently. Don’t feel too bad for him. He’ll come back in later.

They reach the Live Corp base and find it is covered with cheese webs. Earl utters the predictable line

I’m gonna cut the cheese.”

Of course, there is the expected flatulence right when Earl slices through the cheese webs.

They all go in, guns at the ready. Just kidding. This is a kids movie, so I guess they were not allowed to have actual guns. Instead they point their fingers like guns in a display of mock self-defense.

Then they meet a sentient strawberry that Sam names Barry. Flint is terrified of him. I actually think strawberries with eyes are kind of freaky too.

So, Sam does what any person would do to help someone conquer their fears–shoves it in their face.

If I had a friend who was afraid of spiders and who couldn’t appreciate spiders like I do, I wouldn’t be a jerk and shove one in their face. How exactly would that help the situation?

Then Barry swallows the BS-USB, and the team runs after him and beholds a fascinating wonderland of foodimals.

I admit, it’s kind of interesting. Except the one below. That one is nightmare fuel.

It’s so beautiful apparently, it’s enough to make a man cry. But not Earl. When a tear sneaks down his cheek, he demands it back into his eye. Seriously, this man has bodily superpowers beyond reason.

Barry floats away, and the team follows in a makeshift boat. As if this movie wasn’t groanworthy enough, there’s another food pun.

There’s a leek in the boat. Get it? Cuz there’s a…oh, never mind.

Then Steve has a little fight with a Shrimpanzee, because why not? Now this kind of is odd to me. This is an animal made of the dead body of another animal–dead shrimp. It’s basically a mutated zombie, a form of undead. Just sayin’–the walking dead make an appearance on a kids movie and no one even seems to notice it.

Flint sees all of these foodimals are sentient and behave like normal animals. Many of them are peaceful herbivores. Yet he still thinks, lets plug in the BS-USB and kill them all, because they will obviously bring devastation to mankind.

Then they are actually given a reason to fear foodimals. A cheespider attacks them unprovoked–or so it seems. It actually recognizes the orange on their backpacks as associated with Live Corp, which it hates.

My Thoughts: CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2 (2013) – The Animation  Commendation

As they run away, Brent loses his chicken costume and is left wearing a diaper that’s apparently not fresh. I know that’s supposed to be funny, but it’s pretty gross.

They are rescued only by the sudden appearance of Chester V himself riding in a helicopter. Barb came along, and her first meeting with Sam goes sour. Both claim to be scientists, but Barb insists that meteorology is basically the science of looking pretty and pointing at a map. Then Barb is even more irritated when she realizes Sam is hiding Barry in her backpack.

When asked why, Flint tries to think of a good explanation but finally settles on the truth–that Barry swallowed the BS-USB. Barb immediately pulls a knife and decides she’s going to cut him open.

They are all understandably freaked out, and Barry…ejects the BS-USB along with a pile of jam. Flint picks it up, and Steve licks off the strawberry feces. I know, that’s barf-worthy.

Next we get to see Tim, Flint’s dad, and he is visiting his old shop where he expects to find sardines to eat. He finds the whole stash has been raided except for some that he locked away in a safe.

A bunch of dill pickles discover him and demand that he get more sardines for him. Because that’s totally dill pickle behavior. Vegetables that eat meat. That’s just messed up.

We switch back to the rest of the team. Brent is wearing a pair of Flint’s jeans, which he refers to as “skinny jeans.” He keeps using the stupid catchphrase he had when he was in advertising as Baby Brent in the first movie, saying “Uh-oh” all the time.

They find the lab and it’s hanging far above their heads. The only way to get up there is a tube. When Chester V and Flint get up there, Flint almost falls and Chester catches him by his underpants.

That’s unbelievably creepy. Who would reach inside someone’s pants and grab their underpants to stop them from falling. That’s just wrong.

Then we learn his underpants are extremely stretchy in order to be wedgie-proof. Chester V has the same kind of underwear, and it is revealed that they haven’t changed their underwear since they were very young children. In Chester’s case, he was three years old when he started wearing it. Ew.

Somehow Barb easily holds both up by their underwear as they dive into the lab, despite the fact that they both probably weigh at least close to her weight.

While they are down there, Chester V explains to Flint that he can’t trust Brent, because once a bully, always a bully. He says:

Stew offered by a bully is poisoned broth.”

That night, we get the scene that the comment above foreshadowed–Brent literally offers Flint stew, which Flint knocks out of his hand.

They said that Flint was acting jerky. And yes, the obnoxious monkey was holding a piece of jerky. The food puns never end…

Sam and Flint have a heart-to-heart discussion, and Barb and Chester spy on them. Chester calls Barb a monkey, which he’s done tons of times since the beginning of the movie. This sets up the later betrayal in a super obvious way. This is exactly what happened in the first movie. The Mayor didn’t appreciate Brent and Brent switched sides. Both the Mayor and Chester V acted as father figures to Flint because his real father was incompetent. This is all starting to get super predictable.

Then Tim teaches the dill pickles how to fish, I guess so they can replace Flint who always refuses to fish with his dad.

After some more jungle travel, the rest of the team happens upon a Tacodile Supreme.

Tacodile Supreme | Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Wiki | Fandom

Flint rescues Barb, thus setting up a reason for Barb to betray her master later on–her enemies are kinder than her friend.

Then, to remind us that foodimals don’t deserve to die, we get to see a (cute?) family of Tacodiles and find out that Mrs. Tacodile Supreme was just trying to protect her young.

When they reach the maple syrup swamp, tensions rise.

Sam tells Flint that she doesn’t think they should kill all the foodimals, which seems like a legitimate opinion, but Flint doesn’t think so and pretty much tells her that her opinions don’t matter.

Sam and the rest of Flint’s friends leave.

The feces-stained Sparkswood plan gets left behind in the syrup, picked up by Flint.

Flint, Chester V, and Barb go on without them and reach Rock Candy Mountain.

Flint uses a donut as a spyglass before heading in. Seriously, almost no one in this movie acts like an adult.

When Sam and the rest of Flint’s friends go back to the base, they are attacked by the Cheespider.

In a move straight from How to Train Your Dragon, Sam places her hand on the Cheespider’s head and tames it. The Cheespider flops over, and Sam says:

I think she wants you to scratch her buns.”

That sounds incredibly inappropriate. It gets even weirder when Brent says, “I like that too,” and actually scratches the Cheespider’s buns…

They then discover that live backwards spells evil, so Live Corp must be evil. That’s pretty flimsy reasoning at best. After all, most people don’t think they are evil even if what they are doing is evil. Putting it in the name on purpose is really odd. But they take this as conclusive evidence.

The thinkquanauts catch them before they can warn Flint and freeze them and the Cheespider.

Flint reaches the FLDSMDFR and is about to use the BS-USB on it before seeing it give birth to a marshmallow and deciding it’s worth saving after all.

Then Flint and Chester V get into a fight that includes nose sparring and an expert throw that lands the BS-USB right into the USB port.

It turns out the USB actually is BS, because it reprograms the machine instead of destroying it.

Chester V pushes Flint, causing him to plummet to what should have been his death.

Meanwhile, Flint’s friends are brought to a large Live Corp base, weakening Barb’s connection to Chester V in the meantime by reminding her how he always calls her monkey.

The marshmallow creatures bring Flint to his dad in Dilltown, where he learns that his friends were taken by the Sentinels of Safety (those thinkquanauts that came to the island with Chester V.)

Barry calls out to all the foodimals. He is apparently very good at projecting his voice and at persuasion because all the foodimals within a long distance come along to help.

A lettuce pun follows that is not worth repeating, then Barry translates what Flint is saying to the other foodimals by saying exactly the same thing but in a different voice. I don’t know how that would help, but it does.

Then Tim tells Flint he could launch Flint to the base where Flint’s friends are being held with a big fishing rod. Now, this is just not how Tim usually thinks. Fishing is his life, but imagination is not one of the skills in his repertoire. As a result, this is extremely out of character.

Then he says how it should be a piece of cake, and big surprise, there’s a piece of cake. All this food wordplay is getting old…

They make a giant vehicle that can be thrown by a makeshift giant fishing rod, and use a blueberry’s bodily fluid to write on it.

Flint and Barry get launched into the Live Corp base and find the foodimals in tubes in the wall. Barry uses the Grocery Deliverator to transport them away.

Another leek in the boat joke…

Flint finds Chester V and threatens him with spray on shoes, which is a valid threat because whatever comes in those cans is unremovable. He could clog Chester’s mouth or nose and kill him that way.

Here comes the soylent green part. It’s an old reference–to a movie in which there is a food made out of people.

Flint’s friends are revealed as they are lowered toward a grinder, and Chester V says he’s going to make them into food bars.

He then explains that he’s going to make the foodimals into food bars! Wait, food made out of animals–isn’t that like…normal? Why is he acting like this is illegal?

Sam is so horrified, she says:

You’re a monster. Those are living creatures!”

I wonder if she ever made the connection between hamburgers and cows…

Chester V promises not to make Flint’s friends into food bars if he drops the spray-on shoes. Predictably, he changes his mind as soon as Flint does and decides to turn them into meat bars anyway.

Barb is shocked, and you can see the impending betrayal written all over her little ape face.

Chester V calls her a monkey again, which is another nail in his coffin.

Chester then breaks into holograms to prevent Flint from saving his friends by grabbing the controller for the grinder.

Since the tape binding Flint’s friends is police tape, Earl refuses to break it. That’s probably best because if it broke, they would plummet into the grinder.

Flint proves that the fork-knife-and-spoon-inator is a murder weapon by throwing it at a Chester hologram as it stabbed rapidly. Since when was he carrying that? It’s not something that you can conceal,

Flint then uses the celebrate button to spray all the holograms with glitter and paint so he can find the real Chester and steal the controls. He saves his friends.

Chester tries to escape, and when he tries to get Barb to rescue him, he calls her a monkey. Dumb movie. Betrayal time.

He falls and asks his holograms to catch him, but the fail because duh, they’re holograms. Then he falls into the grinder but manages to survive by pulling his entire body into his vest. Don’t ask me how that’s possible. That’s a superpower in itself.

Then the Cheespider eats him, all except for his clothes. Yep, he’s dead. Eaten alive.

Then the FLDSMDFR is put back into commission and the foodimals and people live happily after…

There’s extra stuff though. Like when Earl’s fallen tear makes a blueberry grow chest hair, and the FLDSMDFR makes babies, Flint learns to fish in the most pathetic way possible, and Barb develops a crush on Steve.

Then it really is THE END.

Conclusion

So what I’ve learned from this movie is that eating anything that once breathed makes you a monster, and that animal abuse is supposed to be funny in certain contexts.

Just kidding–that’s just what the message of the movie seemed to be. I learned nothing from this movie, and feel like a few brain cells were killed by its stupidity.

It’s a kid movie, but the only reason I could see a kid liking it is because of all the cool-looking foodimals and the good animation.

I do not recommend it for any audience.

Movies

I’m Gonna Spoil This Movie and You’re Gonna Enjoy it

Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale - Wikipedia

Intro

This analysis contains spoilers for Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale. Continue at your own risk!

So, why bother writing a spoiler-filled analysis of a movie?

There are two possible reasons:

One is that the movie is so good that it deserves analysis for the sake of learning from it. That is not what happened here.

The other possible reason is that there are times in life when one watches a movie so cringy and horrible that one makes fun of it merely to make the whole thing bearable.

This was that kind of movie. Kind of so bad it’s good…but not enough to justify seeing it.

Background

Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale was released in 2010. (Since it is not even that old a movie, it has no excuse for being so bad…)

It is a musical that rightfully is labeled with the genres of Comedy and Drama. However, it is comedic for all the wrong reasons and takes drama to a whole new level.

Analysis

The movie starts with some music and outdated-looking animations. The music is not too bad, but the animations are kind of odd. For instance, cartoon main character is about to kiss a guy when poof! He turns into her arch nemesis Stephanie.

Imagine. You’re about to kiss your crush. You’re going in for the smooch, and then bam! You’re inches away from kissing the person you hate most in the world instead.

Then there is another time when a butterfly lands on her breast and turns into part of her clothes, which was a little uncomfortable. Then it ZOOMS in on the butterfly. I mean, even though this movie is aimed at a teen audience, this is supposed to be a movie kids can watch….it’s kind of weird for the camera to dive into her cartoon bosom, even if it is properly clothed.

Then the actual plot begins. Elle Daniels, a young singer/songwriter, flunks her audition for Berklee, an esteemed music college in Boston. Her uncle, who is technically not her uncle so much as her part-time caretaker for when her parents are travelling the country, tells her that her parent’s plane crashed, resulting in their untimely demise.

Not that one’s demise is ever timely…but this plot device–I mean disaster–was particularly ill-timed, being on the day of the big audition.

It’s the kids movie trope where the parents can barely be present during the movie, either because they are dead, busy, or oblivious (i.e. Frozen, Home Alone, Lilo & Stitch, etc…).

Elle’s uncle decides to tell her this in the middle of her audition, because why not destroy her chance to go to her top college? If he had waited, like, 3 minutes the audition would have been over, but no….it’s not only deaths that are ill-timed in this movie.

Elle blames herself. Now, she isn’t think clearly, but that is somewhat accurate because people often blame themselves for things outside their control. The problem here is not that she blames herself, but that she is inconsistent as a character. She wants to abandon her dream because it “killed” her parents, but then she ambitiously tries to get her songs on the radio, and then in almost the next scene she is back to adamantly saying she can’t be a singer. It comes off as unrealistic.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is images
Elle Daniels

Now look at this picture really closely. This is live-action Elle. She looks high schooler age getting ready for college. That’s the magic of the glasses at work. Stay tuned to see her magically age.

Now, back to plot. After informing her of her parents’ deaths, her not-really uncle becomes her actual guardian and she begins to work as an intern for his recording company, Spunn Records. She acts as an assistant for the most obnoxious bubblegum pop trio in the world, Sensation.

Something About A Saturday - Sensation or CHE`NELLE - YouTube

We get to meet Sensation right away, because this Cinderella needs the equivalent of cruel stepsisters. They are laughable at best. Their makeup in the first scene is so poorly done that it looks like I could have done it better (even though I don’t wear makeup.)

They mess up Elle’s name by calling her every E-name that they can think of (Esther, Eleanor, Ellen, etc.). They say “Sensation” in a goofy, over-serious hushed voices. They walk while swinging their hips. I mean, look at the picture above. That is literally how they walk.

They made me wish they had been my childhood bullies because it would have been hilarious.

There are other times that they try to be funny, but it falls flat, such as when one of the girls says:

Does this corset make me look fat? Really? Cuz I had like two M&M’s today.”

Sensation singer

Now that was played for laughs, but if you actually think about it, it’s not a great joke. People with eating disorders probably wouldn’t appreciate that because it’s poking fun at people who are extremely weight-conscious. Of course, I don’t think this movie intended to poke fun at eating disorders, but the message a movie send its audience is important. The message it sends is that this behavior is funny, so you should laugh at it.

Anyway, Elle wants to sing, but her uncle thinks she isn’t ready. Apparently despite being her guardian and knowing her since she was little, he is not aware of the fact that she has talent. Either that, or he does not want her to move on after her parents’ deaths.

He has actual flashbacks to her childhood when he heard her sing, but no, she isn’t ready.

Next we meet Kit, Elle’s best friend, who encourages her to sing anyway.

Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010)
Kit

Elle is not so sure. Because we need more exposition, apparently, Elle says of her relationship with her uncle:

I’m the kid he didn’t ask for, and then has to send to college.”

Elle

Kit has some wild bobbing head movements throughout the movie.

Let’s try a experiment. Pick up your phone. Shake it slowly and repeatedly up and down, side to side. That’s basically the way her head moved the whole time.

She apparently cannot speak without her head moving like a bobblehead. I shall nickname her Miss Bobblehead for the rest of the analysis.

Miss Bobblehead gets such cringy lines as:

It’s like, I get my east wisdom from the east.”

Kit

Not only does that sound super racist, it also is just really dumb. It ruins all the supposed wisdom of her previous comments.

When Elle goes to get the milky coffee, we meet Andy, a guy who takes an awkwardly long time making coffee and acts like Mr. Doodle from Sesame Street.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image-9-1024x500.png

This is when Elle accidentally soaks Stephanie with it. Seriously, that’s the coffee up there. It is disgusting. That has to be like, 99% creamer.

It doesn’t look all that accidental even though it was obviously supposed to be. I mean, Elle certainly has the motive to launch a coffee-powered attack against her, and I wouldn’t have been convinced if Elle said it was an accident.

Anywho, Miss Bobblehead and Mr. Doodle like each other, but instead of saying so they use Elle as an intermediary. Elle is not a good intermediary, because she just lies to help Mr. Doodle out, saying,

He said you should drink more coffee.”

Elle

Of course, since he works at the coffeeshop, that means she would see her more often, so it’s kind of just weak flirting made up by Elle to get the two of them together.

Ty Parker, who is played by Sterling Knight, comes in shortly afterwards for an interview.

Picture of Sterling Knight in Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale -  sterling-knight-1312602158.jpg | Sterling knight, Modern cinderella, Knight
Ty Parker

At this point, my suitemate interjects with:

He’s a precious being.”

Of course, that was a good enough comment to include here. She probably meant he is hot, but my brain doesn’t seem to register hotness. Because like, I don’t think of anyone as hot or attractive. But despite that, considering that characters half decent at acting were rare in this movie, I guess that does make him a precious being.

Anyway, Ty wants to try something new, and Elle’s uncle wants him to sing with Kandi Kane, a popular British singer. Ty is not so sure about this, and leaves without making a decision.

Meanwhile, the Sensation singers ask Elle to help them out with recording the next day, and she believes they want her to sing. Instead, they have her hold sweat towels and fetch water.

Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010) - Rotten Tomatoes

Afterwards, she tries on a bunch of clothes. She takes off her magic glasses, and voila! It’s like she ages at least ten years.

How old she looks is especially odd considering how she becomes the love interest for Ty Parker not long afterwards. (Like we didn’t see that coming.)

All dressed up now, Elle decides to perform in the studio. Little does she know, Ty Parker is spying on her like a creep…I mean just happens to be watching.

She plays a guitar with no hole in it, which looked odd to me for one that isn’t an electric or bass guitar, but apparently it is possible. The hole in the guitar is meant to help it project sound better, but it’s not technically necessary.

The song is actually not bad, and her voice is really good.

Ty Parker loves her voice and thinks she is Kandi Kane. I don’t know why. This is a movie with computers. If he was going to maybe be singing with Kandi Kane but wasn’t sure, why didn’t he look her up to find out more about her? Or even listened to one of her songs? Then he would no Elle’s voice was not Kandi Kane’s.

Elle does nothing to correct him, instead putting on a British accent and following him around on what’s pretty much a date. This is her dream come true. Ty Parker is her childhood celebrity crush. Ty is rich, so he could take her anywhere, but you know how paparazzi are, so he treats her to street food instead.

If you’ve watched Starstruck, Sterling Knight is basically the same character here but with a different name.

Because we need a reminder that this is a Cinderella story, Elle gets a text from her uncle.

Elle it’s midnight. Where are you?”

Elle’s uncle

She kisses Ty Parker and ditches him. The next day, the studio is in an uproar because Elle unknowingly recorded her own song over Sensation’s when she was practicing. Ty doesn’t notice the problem, and instead says that he will definitely sing with Kandi Kane.

Download Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale (2010) YIFY Torrent for 1080p mp4  movie - yify-torrent
The real Kandi Kane?

His actual first meeting with Kandi Kane goes off very poorly. She’s snarky and has a real attitude. It’s clear that their personalities are not compatible from the beginning. This quote is evidence enough:

Kandi Kane is a force of nature. RrrAW!”

Kandi Kane

I want to start using that. “P. A. Wilson is a force of nature. RrrAW!” It’s perfect for the first time I ever meet someone. “RrrAW!!”

Back at the studio, Stephanie breaks into Elle’s laptop. Any time someone comes by, Stephanie uses pathetic hiding skills to disguise herself. She finds out Elle was the one who recorded over Sensation’s song.

But why would that happen? I thought Elle was an intern there for six months? Does she really have no idea how recording equipment works? Wouldn’t she have to know how it works to record her song.

Moving on…

This is Stephanie’s “I’m being sneaky” face.

See Stephanie in that picture above? No, you don’t. She’s hiding. Shh….

Sensation then joins forces with Kandi Kane (the force of nature) to make plans to humiliate Elle.

Ty Parker insists on getting to sing with the first “Kandi Kane” he met, who he doesn’t realize is Elle because she hides behind a big hat when he walks by. I feel like it would be less suspicious if she just wore glasses without the hat, because reverse-aging 10 years makes you less recognizable anyway.

Ty puts on a radio program with a friend, trying to get Elle to call in.

Then Miss Bobblehead and Mr. Doodle bond over Elle’s conundrum, and end up a couple immediately.

The couple then convince Elle to show up at a party where Ty Parker will be. At the party, she plays her song and Ty Parker recognize it.

Cue Kandi Kane and Sensation. They break into Elle’s room and find all her Ty Parker fan girl junk and set it up like a little shrine. It’s meant to horrify Ty, but he is the Prince so instead he is angry at them and goes after Elle.

So they also end up a couple after a little heart-to-heart chat. Ty also convinces Elle to drop the ridiculous idea that she is to blame for her parents’ deaths.

Unfortunately, Kandi Kane threatens to sue Spunn Records and Ty Parker into oblivion if Ty doesn’t go through with his initial plan to record with Kandi Kane.

She also makes him break up with Elle from one of the shortest relationships ever filmed. Elle is so distressed she attacks her hair with her hand. No, not really, but the acting is so overdone that running her hands through her hair looked a tad overzealous.

Elle at this point has given up on glasses all together. I guess she became resigned to the fact she couldn’t use glasses to make herself look younger forever. Or she just didn’t need glasses. Or she did some off-screen shopping for contacts. Overall message–you’re prettier without glasses.

(As someone who wears glasses, I disapprove.)

Then Miss Bobblehead and Mr. Doodle assume that Kandi Kane is involved, with no evidence whatsoever. After sneaking around in the worst acting of the entire show–think preschoolers playing ninja–they frantically whisper and then kiss for no apparent reason.

Soon after, they break into Kandi Kane’s room and find out she’s really from the Southern United States and her name is actually Brenda Smirkle. Not only does she drop the accent and explain the whole thing to her mother, she also has a laptop with her actual name on it.

Miss Bobblehead records the entire phone conversation and tells Elle’s uncle that Brenda Smirkle is not actually Kandi Kane, which makes the contract between the supposed Kandi Kane and Ty Parker is void.

Elle’s uncle also dismisses Sensation on the spot, probably assuming they are involved, again without evidence. Miss Bobblehead then humiliates Stephanie by pulling her hair off–apparently it was a wig.

That seems unnecessarily cruel, especially since Stephanie is so self-conscious about her wig. I mean, what if she lost her hair due to cancer or something? Kit didn’t even have any evidence that Stephanie was involved in the plot. And even if she did, Kit being one of the “good guys” does not justify her doing horrible things.

Elle doesn’t know all of this because she was on her way to Berklee at the time. Miss Bobblehead, Mr. Doodle, and Elle’s uncle show up to see her audition.

Then–gasp–what a shock! Ty Parker shows up for her audition, she wins the approval of admissions, and they are a couple again.

Elle: A Modern Cinderella Tale Images | Icons, Wallpapers and Photos on  Fanpop

Again, the music is actually not bad. It is the only thing this movie did right.

If I had to pin down a moral for this story, it would be that glasses make one unappealing (ouch), and that it’s okay to humiliate people, lie, and break into other people’s rooms if you do it for the right reasons.

But wait! It’s not over!

There are still the characters’ post-movie futures to think about. That’s what credits are for, right? I’ve only included the weirdest ones.

For Miss Bobblehead and Mr. Doodle, there was this little nugget of information:

What the heck is undercover dating? Like a blind date where both involved are secret agents or wanted criminals? And how could they be the most successful private investigator service? Is anyone supposed to buy this?

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image-18-1024x489.png

Elle’s uncle apparently still doesn’t have time for a girlfriend. It was never established that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend before, but they found the need to point this out as the final word they give about his character.

It seems like something must have been edited out earlier on that would have made this make sense.

Or he was such a flat character they saved all his development for the end.

Then finally, the movie reaches its much-awaited end.

Conclusion

So…that was a bad movie. Thanks to my roommate for making me watch it. I forgive her, because at least it was enjoyable to make fun of the movie afterward.

Don’t watch it. It’s not worth your time. For actually good movies, check out my movie reviews.

Movies

Movie Analysis: Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl (film) - Wikipedia

Movie: Artemis Fowl (2020)

WARNING! SPOILER ALERT!

This review contains spoilers for the Artemis Fowl movie and the book series.

This is my first movie analysis, and let me start out by saying the movie sucked…but had a couple of positive qualities. And by a couple I literally mean two, and that’s it.

First of all, decent special effects. Haven City looked appropriately fairyish and high-tech. It all had this blue tinge to it that made it look otherworldly. And the device that sentenced Mulch Diggums to prison was creative.

Artemis Fowl's World Explained: Fairies, The Aculos & More
Holly Short in Haven City from Artemis Fowl

The troll looked much more human than in the Artemis Fowl graphic novel, but whatever, it looked fine.

Troll (Artemis Fowl) | Villains Wiki | Fandom
Troll from Artemis Fowl

Also, the therapy session scene near the beginning of the movie was pretty good. In it, Artemis Fowl acted like his usual pain-in-the-neck, prideful self like he was in the book series. The scene was pulled straight out of book 2 (The Arctic Incident). Artemis insulted the therapists chair with poise and intelligence.

Okay, there you go. That was all that was decent about the movie, in a few sad little paragraphs.

Anyway…

As a fan of the Artemis Fowl series, I was mortified by how Disney mutilated what had been an enchanting story into an awkward compilation of multiple books’ plots with some entirely new random stuff thrown in.

They also managed to mangle the beloved characters of the books series and make them…a bunch of goodie-goodies! The horror!

The movie starts out with the media converging on the Artemis Fowl case, revealing that Artemis Fowl Sr. is suspected of stealing relics. This sounds promising. (Now if he really was a criminal in the movie, that would be accurate.)

Mulch is telling this story under interrogation, so he butts in with his dull narration. Who’s Mulch? Well, the movie doesn’t tell you that yet, so stay tuned. The only thing we know about him is that he looks oddly like Hagrid from the Harry Potter movie.

Why Mulch Diggums from Artemis Fowl looks so familiar
Mulch from Artemis Fowl

We get to know Artemis Fowl Jr., who loved Ireland.

Ireland,field,pasture,landscape,scene - free image from needpix.com

Yeah…I don’t think the Artemis Fowl in the book loved anything…or at least would never admit to it.

Of course, the movie has to prove he loves Ireland. Cue surfing scene and outdoorsy activities.

That was the moment I knew they were going to ruin the movie. Artemis was a pallid, inactive boy in the book series. The first book literally said, “Sun did not suit Artemis. He did not look well in it. Long hours indoors in front of a computer screen had bleached the glow from his skin. He was white as a vampire and almost as testy in the light of the day.”

Artemis is no outdoorsman. If this was the Artemis from the book, he would probably fall off the surfboard and drown. What am I saying? He would never get on a surfboard in the first place.

Artemis Fowl from Artemis Fowl

We get to know this new-and-not-improved Artemis Fowl better in the therapy session scene, which seems to exist mostly because it gives the viewers background information such as the fact that Mrs. Fowl is dead (instead of mentally unstable and hiding away in her room like in the book). Also, that his father is frequently away on business trips.

But it is the one good scene in the movie, so it gets an excuse for its obvious purpose of exposition.

Now for a series of affectionate father-son bonding moments. Based on the book series, it’s hard to imagine Artemis Fowl showing actual affection. In the graphic novel, he hugs his mother once and it’s touching (but kind of out of character). But in the original series, Artemis showed very little affection toward anyone. Ever.

Artemis Fowl Sr. from Artemis Fowl

After the father-son scenes, Artemis Fowl Sr. leaves on a trip and is kidnapped by Opal Koboi. Good old Opal, who made her first appearance in the second book.

She should look like this:

Opal Koboi from the graphic novel series

In the movie, she looks like this:

Who's the Artemis Fowl villain? Without a post-credits scene, we ...

Don’t ask me why Disney made her look like a Sith Lord. I guess to make her creepier than a pink-haired pixie, but it backfired.

I guess they thought giving her a grating voice would help with the scare factor too, but no…it was hard to take Miss Sith seriously.

Apparently Opal Koboi is after the Aculos, which is a fancy-looking upside-down acorn…I mean, fairy artifact…with mysterious and dangerous powers.

Wait, what? What’s the Aculos? That wasn’t in the book series. Where did that come from? And why is it at the center of this movie?

Artemis Fowl: The Aculos, the Disney Movie's New Plot Device ...
The Aculos from Artemis Fowl

Anywho, Opal threatens Artemis Fowl Sr.’s life if Artemis Fowl Jr. doesn’t get the bedazzled acorn (fairy artifact, sorry) for her.

Butler takes Artemis down to the basement, where Artemis Fowl Sr. has kept his years of research on fairies. Only…in the books Artemis Fowl Sr. was not the one who researched fairies, it was Artemis Fowl Jr.

But, okay, sure. I mean, this movie already made him the good guy, even though as soon as he goes missing he is accused of stealing artifacts. Artemis Fowl Jr. is indignant. His father, a criminal? Of course not. So he has some interest in clearing his father’s name.

And Butler is not the man he was in the books. He goes by Dom in the movie, and man, if you dare to call him something else, he will snap you in half.

Seriously? Dom? In the books, you called him Butler if you valued your life. Even Artemis called him Butler. Artemis didn’t even learn Butler’s first name until Butler thought he was going to die and revealed it later in the series.

Butler from Artemis Fowl

Butler has a little sister named Juliet in the books who is a niece instead in the movie. Juliet was a teenager in the books, but is another 12-year-old in the movie.

Juliet from Artemis Fowl

In the meantime, Holly Short is in Haven City. We get to see the other main character, finally. They didn’t mess her up at all.

Just kidding. They ruined her.

First off, she looks like a twelve-year old of average height. In the book, she was a 3-foot tall woman. Second, in the book she specifically had nut-brown skin. Why did they choose a white actor to fill this role? I guess they tried to make up for it by making a couple of secondary characters black, but why not just have a main character with brown skin? Also, the secondary characters they made black were in the role of servants.

Holly Short | Disney Wiki | Fandom
Holly from Artemis Fowl

Also, in the books, she’s a snarky, rebellious woman. In the movie, she is a kind of rebellious, sweet and dumb little girl.

Mulch picks her pocket, making his first appearance as a giant dwarf. In the books, he was just a normal dwarf. Kind of reminds me of how Hagrid is half-giant.

Moving on…

We meet Commander Root and…what the heck…he’s female! Why? Did they just feel like they didn’t have enough female characters? Cause Commander Root was definitely a dude in the book…one that came off as sexist at first, until it was revealed that he really was hard on Holly because he wanted her as the first female LEPrecon officer to be better than his other officers. That way she could prove females could work in a job like that.

Commander Root from Artemis Fowl

Anyway, I guess they really didn’t want him to come off as sexist toward women, so they made him female. And made the team of LEPrecon officers consist of several more female characters for good measure.

Now, if they wanted this film to represent women more, they should have had better female characters. Not boring and painfully unfunny Commander Root, childish and consistently helpless Holly Short, and the combatant who never shows her skills, Juliet.

It turns out the fairies do not have the Aculos either, because of the treachery of Beechwood Short, Holly’s father. Holly maintains that he is innocent. Don’t worry, Beechwood is a good guy too.

We meet Foaly shortly after Root, when they receive news of a troll that has escaped to the surface world. Now, in the books Foaly is a centaur with an affinity for tin hats. He is snarky, witty, and hilarious.

So of course in the movie he has absolutely no funny lines, and barely appears.

The only funny thing about him is the way he gallops around the room, looking like a prancing pony. That was the part of the movie that made me laugh.

So anyway, Holly is sent to the surface to deal with the troll in Italy. The troll attacks a party. Unlike in the book, no human gave Holly an invitation to enter the party that the troll attacked. This makes the rules of the movie inconsistent because fairies require human permission to intervene in situations like this.

The troll is defeated and Holly Short goes off to Tara because there is a clue to how she can clear her father’s name there. This is unlike the book because in the book she goes there to replenish her magic by completing the Ritual.

Artemis and Butler manage to kidnap her. The fairies find out and are dismayed. They retaliate by stopping time around Fowl Manor.

Artemis and the fairies attempt negotiations, which end in Artemis refusing to allow the fairies inside while he lives. The fairies decide to send in Mulch because they say he is a dwarf, not a fairy.

This is where the creators of this movie made a critical mistake. In Irish mythology, and in the Artemis Fowl series, dwarves are fairies.

The real reason Mulch was able to go inside the Manor in the book was because fairies technically can enter dwellings without permission – at the cost of their magic. Mulch lost his magic in the past breaking and entering into human dwellings, so he had nothing to lose by entering Fowl Manor without permission.

Mulch finds the Aculos located in a safe in Fowl Manor.

Artemis has a heart-to-heart conversation with Holly, where they bond over both having falsely accused/slandered fathers. Holly asks if they are friends, and Artemis says, “Forever friends.”

I almost died of laughter and indignation when he said that. It was like something straight out of My Little Pony. The Artemis in the books wouldn’t be caught dead saying something that sappy.

The Hub Renews 'My Little Pony' for Season 5 | Animation World Network
From My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Under new management, the fairies send in a troll and turn off all magic in the house. The heroes of the story engage in a pathetic battle that consists mostly of the troll smashing things and Holly shrieking at people to untangle her wings from a chandelier where she is hanging like a pinned butterfly. Juliet is equally useless. Artemis and friends winning the battle seemed like a big accident.

In the book, Butler managed to take down the troll on his second try with some advanced martial arts. In other words, he was scary competent in the book, but awkward in the movie.

Butler almost dies after the battle, but Holly is able to heal him when Root regains control and turns the magic back on in the house. At this point, Butler cries. Yeah, this is not the Butler fans of the book know and love.

The whole dying scene was completely ruined by the creepy dolls that were all over that room. The whole time Butler was almost dying I was thinking, yikes, those things are freaky, why are they there?

Rather than give the Aculos to Koboi, Artemis asks Holly to bring back Artemis Fowl Sr with the power of the Aculos. She gladly complies (Stockholm Syndrome?), and it works because the movie needs to end soon I guess. Kind of anti-climactic, but whatever.

Artemis Fowl Sr. gives Holly a list of traitors to the fairies, which Commander Root orders her to investigate. She’s happy with that, and even gets some applause from the rest of the LEPrecon officers. For what exactly? Getting kidnapped and assisting the kidnappers?

Artemis Fowl calls himself a criminal mastermind at the end of the movie. That doesn’t make sense for multiple reasons. First, they already established him as the good guy. Second, he was horrified when his father was accused of crimes and wanted his name cleared.

So why would he be proud of being a criminal at the end? Also, he did very little that was criminal compared to in the books. In the first book, he kidnapped Holly just so he could get his hands on fairy gold. In the movie, he only kidnapped her to save his father.

Overall, this is a movie that fans of the original series will hate, and it is unlikely to win over any new fans.

It is not good as a standalone movie. For people to understand it, they have to have read the book. Yet it deviates so far from the book that those who have read the books will not enjoy it. At the same time, the movie’s so confusing that people who have not read the book will be turned off by it.