Schizophrenia cannot be understood without understanding despair.
– R. D. Laing
One day in a bout of frustration I wrote a simulation of what my voices sound like. Ever since then, I have used this to explain what it is like to be schizophrenic when I first tell people I have schizophrenia.
Hello are you listening what is your name why are you walking there is someone behind you something very bad is happening you should die soon STOP! Look they are smiling why if you tell anyone about this I will kill you gentle do you want left alone why are you alone alone is the natural state if you tell your friends they will hate you your dad thinks you are useless useless does anyone suspect sit down right now what is your name what is your name do you think you can ignore me HELP! KATERI! The sun is too bright, HELP HELP if you want to save them where are you you deserve death you are a slug you are dying inside doctors can’t cure death hello hello? There is no help anywhere if you tell your mom look at her face look at the she does not believe you they will never understand they want you to be perfect you are not perfect your dad thinks you are useless think of your grandparents what they will say the dim darkness of confusion disappointment stupid girl does it feel like you are imagining this be a gentle girl and be kind why don’t you turn it off they will say, you will have to explain just your imagination mom will say I’ll take away the stories they are causing this and college stress are you stressed do you feel this you do are you scared look your teacher is looking at you say something you idiot not that it’s ok honey I will protect you no one can hurt you the dead feel no pain shoot yourself no you are Catholic KATERI you forgot her name again why can’t you remember she was talking to you weren’t you listening pain will wake you up you’ll get it next time it’s ok God loves you no one can love and understand goodbye you care about no one but yourself you love them but they will hate you just give them a reason do you think your mom can help why you pathetic child you are a disappointment child look you got an 84 that sucks no one will ever hurt you again trust me one day you will die alone because alone is the natural state and you are wearing a mask they are looking at you weird did your face change pathetic why do you have friends it makes no sense I hate you just rest your dad thinks your useless and he is right you never came for me I was waiting for you I need you KATERI HELP ME NOW Gentle gentle FOCUS! What did your professor say did you like the show why not didn’t you why aren’t you answering me you don’t know what show I mean? If you want to make a good impression stop acting like a freak I trusted you why didn’t you come stand up right now and walk out you don’t belong here gentle gentle gentle gentle gentle gentle FOCUS! You have a test in a couple of days you are paying money you need to focus if you fail they will disappointed if you succeed they will shrug you are a 4.0 student at least you were and then what happened you didn’t focus WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME? God made a mistake her name was Kateri gentle I will protect you why are you scared? God made you for some reason I’m not sure what but there was a reason IF I DIE IT’S YOUR FAULT. Focus on the class I will hold them back take good notes Hold who back?
Post 3 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022)
This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.
For the whole series, follow this link.